I can't Fake any longer

Photo Courtesy: weheartit

Day VIII

Dear You! 

but

if you could see what I see

you might see why I need you here with me

and

If you could feel what I feel

We might be lead to feel that love is real

Cause

I can’t fake it no more

You put a bolt on the door

and I

can’t runaway

so I guess the only choice left is to..

stay…

~Lavender Meadow~

Drinking Hemlock from within me ...

Photo Courtesy: weheartit

Day VI 

Dear You! 

I am trying to sleep but the voices in my head grow stronger with every blink of an eye. The voices in my head are too loud. The flashbacks before my eyes are too vivid.

Suddenly I remember all the things I have done.

Every thought of it pierces my soul with an ice cold dagger. I can’t sleep. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t stand still for the ghost of my memories catch up to me. So I slowly turn to my side and face the wall and inhale the darkness around me slowly inside. I take a long breath, close my eyes, open them again, close it once more and I see his face.

I smile slowly.

It hurts, it hurts to smile. Something else also hurts. The darkness is closing in on me and is tightening its grip around my neck. I gasp for air. There is none. One last breath! One last memory! One last moment and I wish you were here…

I close my eyes and the dull silence fades. 

~Lavender Meadow~

As it rains on me ...

Picture Courtesy: Weheartit
Quote: cascadingveilofdarknes.blogspot.com

Day V
Dear You! 
It is getting dark outside. The unmerciful grayness in the clouds that linger above my head is getting stronger. It would be a matter of time before it rains down on me. Take me with you... 

If every rain drop that lands on my roof top today could spell my love for you, it would still be less. If every ounce of grayness that looms in the cloud could portray my feeling of missing you, it would still be negligible. On a day like today, when heaven cries for me, I feel a sense of being lifeless to have lived the days with out you so far. Every tap of every tiny drop that falls on my roof dictates the stories of you and me. The memories go vivid of me dancing in the rain in your photo shoot, the after-rain hot chocolate and snuggling up to the warmth of your body, that one velvety touch of your embrace and I swear it was enough to write volumes on it. 

Today as it rains, the drops that hit my roof are no longer a rhythm of solace to my otherwise unruly soul but an utterly painful remainder of what I have lost in choosing another way in life's Junction- the one that did not include you. I wish i knew how to tame these feelings and I know if i don't then a day will come when they will finally burst out of me and run ... run like wild horses towards the darkness disappearing into the dense forest. 

~Lavender Meadow~

You are a beatuful dream, forbidden to me ...

Photo courtesy: weheartit
Quote: Lavender Meadow (cascadingveilofdarknes.blogspot.com)

Day IV

Dear you!

I spent the whole of last night twisting and twirling in agony and grieving in your memory- some made by 'Us' and some a mental construct of mine in a hope to provide some solace to my rambling heart and bleeding eyes. Your memory has caused a hole in my heart and now that my feelings so momentous and grave, have abandoned me, I feel vulnerable to a fall from a touch of a feather. I remember you once told me that "People only believe what they WANT to believe." Your words are the only medium from wherein I connect to sanity. You are the only prudent thought in my otherwise unruly life. You complete me. 

 

I am searching for the perfect word to reveal my heart's anguished desire to claim you as mine for times to come and beyond. The feeling of my bursting heart has got my thoughts and I muddled that I have trouble embellishing 'I Love You' to anyone else, let alone a new lover-yet-to-come in my life. And because it is so hard for me to covey my heart-felt desires to you and that there is no other way to do it , I find it ecstatic  that my written words are an empowering way to speak my heart's rambles and my eyes' bleeding tears.

~Lavender Meadow~

Learning to Exist without you ...

Photo courtesy: weheartit(dot)com
You were my light when I was too blind to see the darkness ....

Day III
Dear You!
This particular post is from the last 'so-called' breakup we had during the day following my birthday. It still resonates a lot now, especially now, that i know we can't be together for a force greater than us is pulling our world apart and we are but mere collateral damage in the fight.
 

The meanings are meaningless. The truth hides behind the lies. The life leads itself on a lie. Life flies away in a blink of an eye. It's amazing how a blink of an eye can get us blind! There is this subtle and dull but an everlasting feeling of hollowness inside of me. Despite being surrounded by a thousand beautiful souls everyday, my heart still has the autonomy to feel lonely. There are times when i feel that what I did was a wrong step to take. At other times I wish I did not have to do what I had to do. I deeply wish at times, that there were ways to undo the done and to do the undone. I wish I could as easily move on as you think I do by forcing myself to believe on 'let bygone be gone'. But life is not that easy. Life is not easy at all. It is not all bed of blossoms or differentiated as Black or White. It is rather in the hues produced from the mixture of Black and White. It's all Grey, different shades of Grey. Life is a uphill battle between You and the rocks you encounter while stalling towards your destiny.

For now, i wish i was Clementine and I wish my life was 'Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind'. I wish i could delete what i had. I wish in the process of deleting what i had, i could delete my existence from you, from this world and from myself.

~Lavender Meadow~

If only my life had a direction ...

Photo courtesy: Kellie Elmore blog.
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Sometimes i get this insane craving to cut loose from who i am now and let my spirit fly high. For the moment all that my wild heart is rambling and craving wants to sit underneath the shower, hold my knees and cry until my eyes bleed out! I want to get drunk and escape to the world that i know only exists sometimes in the figment of my imagination. I want to break free. At home i feel under scrutiny all the time. Well, i know this i terrible but if i was not sent to hostel, i might have been a more homely and a more co-operative child. But, they chose to send me always and sometimes with so much rage building in me, i end up screaming thundering the whole house with the agony i feel inside of me! Its not that i am unhappy they chose to send me to Hostel, i am glad they did. Because to an extent i know i survived the most difficult phase of my life (high school) trying to adjust and make friends. I have a few of them with whom i still talk and ramble random stuffs of life. Sometimes we used to meet up under this one tree at Delhi School of Economics and smoke a joint ... stare vacantly at the endless grey building in front of us before we realized it was nightfall and time to go to bed! I would not have had that experience had i stayed home!

But now that i have come home after a decade long stay-away, home does not feel like home! it feels different, it feels random and unjust. It feels concrete and cold and sometimes Oh! so very very cold. Things don't go my way so i have stopped expecting them to too. I am getting used to the fact that because things do not go my way i have become used to the rampant threat that life brings now and then racing my heart more than ever! Things around me look random like they all are out of place, at one time and at the other everything seems normal and perfect and beautiful and it feels like it is just me who's not in shape to work out things around herself, who is that only one out of sync with the nature.

Your memories continue to haunt me

Photo courtesy: Kellie Elmore Blog

Day II 

Dear You!
As usual with my head down and hands in my pocket I walk, not knowing where I am going or where my destiny is. 

I again had a fight with myself. I am a twenty something girl, Lavender. And i am in love ... an unattainably real love!

I let him talk me into this once more. Why do i do it time and again?  Why? 

He promised me it would be worth my time and my fear. But that's what all of them say, don't they? 

Reality good or bad has its own set of limitations but imagination has none. Imagination is but a thought processed by randomness of life. They have no boundaries and limitation unlike reality. I wish you were a figment of my imagination rather than an intrinsic part of my sad-faced reality because I'd like to keep you forever in me.

Imaginations encompasses feeling of randomness and when pushed a little, they run like wild horses.

~Lavender Meadow~

Stop intellectual masturbation India: time to take action!

"Somewhere the fear of justice, of the system, of our morals and our upbringing has given rise to a freedom that perpetrates such crimes !! An intolerance has set in ! And unless we move fast and sure footedly to rectify this, there can be no correction. Let every Indian become a vigilante, a soldier, a commander that shall fight such heinous crimes with strength and conviction ." -Amitabh Bacchan

I woke up to the saddest news ever. Yet another Rape story. This is disturbing.A woman was raped in a moving bus at New Delhi, India. India, known as the biggest democracy in the world is also one of the worst. I stayed in India for more than half a decade and not a day went by when i was not eve teased. If this time Delhi sleeps, i am afraid, it will never wake up again. There will a complete silence only to be enveloped by the loud thud of failing laws. Shame on You, Delhi and Delhites! What Pride do you carry in roaming around in super bikes and car and wearing Gucci and Armani when you have lost every ounce of humanity …. if this time you all don’t stand up, things will never be the same for Women. If I was there I would and I have stood up in the past!

We, since kids are asked not to question the patriarchal rules. We as a kid are punished if we even try to test the boundaries of those stringent patriarchal rules. We are taught to smile and not laugh, we are taught to sit cross legged and not wide open. Why? Because laughing and sitting with legs open is inviting! That’s what we were taught. We were chained. Our souls were chained. The rapist needs to be castrated for shoving a rod up the girl’s vagina leaving her unconscious. He needs to feel the pain. Death sentence is an easy option. Even before you realize, you are dead, you have had already stop breathing.

The question is not about Capital punishment or No Capital punishment…. The issue is greater than that. Its about the ideology & a state of mind. Men in our societies are not condemned for treating women inappropriately – from passing sleazy comments on the road, to beating their wives, female feticide, honor killings to rape! These maybe hideous crimes but for most of Indians it is an act of permissible behavior. In India, the society doesn’t question the Bastards who raped the woman, but Questions the girl as to why she was out in the night. It is she who has to explain herself for being a victim and inviting her misfortune. India needs to change from within their structure. Even to reach normal standards of civility….. And for monsters like that, castration should become the stepping stone of trial procedures!

Here is an excerpt from one of the media spokesperson from NDTV. This is the Story as told by the media. This is what the melting pot of culture capital is. This is not the first time, or the second. This has been happening and will continue to happen for ages to come if the government of India does not take right action at the right time.

“The bus driver Ram Singh went out with his 6 friends. They were all Biharis (People from the State of Bihar in India). The girl and the guy were called by the driver and were given proper tickets ( the bus was a school bus with black curtains .. Not permitted for transport use ) The girl was 23 a very good student and wanted to reach Dwarka Mord.
After they got in , the guys (The Driver and his Friends) hit a rod on the guys’s head and threw him out , then raped the girl one by one in the bus which was moving continuously in the posh areas of New Delhi (The Capital of India) and NCR.
After raping her time and again, one of them inserted a very long rod in her vagina which almost killed her and threw her out and ran away.
She was lying in the middle of the rod hurt and nude.. Not even single person helped her or covered her for an hour.When police came in no one helped them pick her up. They were just not interested at all.
The girl’s vagina + small and large intestine is totally damaged and she cannot live a married or normal life. Doctor said ” main bayan nahi kar sakta ki ussne kya kya zheela hai … Bolte hue muzhe dard hota hai “. Translation: “I cannot even go about mentioning what she has been though … Just to talk about it, i feel her pain!” Doctor!
She has gone in coma for the 5th times from 16th dec. She is unconscious , critical and cannot stop crying. Her ribs are damaged as well.”

Her only fault was she got into a wrong bus …. Delhi wake up!