Someday

"Someday" is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you..

-Timothy Ferriss

I can't Fake any longer

Photo Courtesy: weheartit

Day VIII

Dear You! 

but

if you could see what I see

you might see why I need you here with me

and

If you could feel what I feel

We might be lead to feel that love is real

Cause

I can’t fake it no more

You put a bolt on the door

and I

can’t runaway

so I guess the only choice left is to..

stay…

~Lavender Meadow~

Floodgates to memories ...

I know I don't miss you. I miss how i felt
being with you. I miss how you made me feel
when I was with you! 

Day VII

Dear you!

Today is going to be a particularly difficult day for me.  So many memories come flooding in, all at once. Today, I suddenly feel that there is so much more to say and so much more to feel but a vague distant of denseness covers me and I cannot but see the other side. Today I miss you! I woke up in the morning thinking about you, about how your hands wrapped around my waist felt like and in savoring that sweetness I unconsciously opened the flood gates to memories. The anxious every bit of memory of you, and of us came rushing in with a force unbearable to the heart, drenching every ounce of my bitter soul.

The floodgates to memories have opened and the memory wave lashes me from within …

The wind is the same, blows right through me like I am translucently invisible. The bright orange sky from the first ray of light is a lot more charming after yesterday’s storm. The clouds look a lot prettier hanging in the thin air creating a sense of white-awe. If only stars were visible, it was a perfect picturesque image. Everything was in sync with each other. The subtle stillness of wee hours of morning to the rhythmic motion of chirps to the dynamic yet delicate motion of the transition from night to day – everything was in perfect sync with each other enveloping the ironies of nature.

Everything was in sync … but me! You aren't there, how can I be in sync? I am incomplete … 

~Lavender Meadow~

Drinking Hemlock from within me ...

Photo Courtesy: weheartit

Day VI 

Dear You! 

I am trying to sleep but the voices in my head grow stronger with every blink of an eye. The voices in my head are too loud. The flashbacks before my eyes are too vivid.

Suddenly I remember all the things I have done.

Every thought of it pierces my soul with an ice cold dagger. I can’t sleep. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t stand still for the ghost of my memories catch up to me. So I slowly turn to my side and face the wall and inhale the darkness around me slowly inside. I take a long breath, close my eyes, open them again, close it once more and I see his face.

I smile slowly.

It hurts, it hurts to smile. Something else also hurts. The darkness is closing in on me and is tightening its grip around my neck. I gasp for air. There is none. One last breath! One last memory! One last moment and I wish you were here…

I close my eyes and the dull silence fades. 

~Lavender Meadow~

Learning to Exist without you ...

Photo courtesy: weheartit(dot)com
You were my light when I was too blind to see the darkness ....

Day III
Dear You!
This particular post is from the last 'so-called' breakup we had during the day following my birthday. It still resonates a lot now, especially now, that i know we can't be together for a force greater than us is pulling our world apart and we are but mere collateral damage in the fight.
 

The meanings are meaningless. The truth hides behind the lies. The life leads itself on a lie. Life flies away in a blink of an eye. It's amazing how a blink of an eye can get us blind! There is this subtle and dull but an everlasting feeling of hollowness inside of me. Despite being surrounded by a thousand beautiful souls everyday, my heart still has the autonomy to feel lonely. There are times when i feel that what I did was a wrong step to take. At other times I wish I did not have to do what I had to do. I deeply wish at times, that there were ways to undo the done and to do the undone. I wish I could as easily move on as you think I do by forcing myself to believe on 'let bygone be gone'. But life is not that easy. Life is not easy at all. It is not all bed of blossoms or differentiated as Black or White. It is rather in the hues produced from the mixture of Black and White. It's all Grey, different shades of Grey. Life is a uphill battle between You and the rocks you encounter while stalling towards your destiny.

For now, i wish i was Clementine and I wish my life was 'Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind'. I wish i could delete what i had. I wish in the process of deleting what i had, i could delete my existence from you, from this world and from myself.

~Lavender Meadow~

If only my life had a direction ...

Photo courtesy: Kellie Elmore blog.
Click here for more.

Sometimes i get this insane craving to cut loose from who i am now and let my spirit fly high. For the moment all that my wild heart is rambling and craving wants to sit underneath the shower, hold my knees and cry until my eyes bleed out! I want to get drunk and escape to the world that i know only exists sometimes in the figment of my imagination. I want to break free. At home i feel under scrutiny all the time. Well, i know this i terrible but if i was not sent to hostel, i might have been a more homely and a more co-operative child. But, they chose to send me always and sometimes with so much rage building in me, i end up screaming thundering the whole house with the agony i feel inside of me! Its not that i am unhappy they chose to send me to Hostel, i am glad they did. Because to an extent i know i survived the most difficult phase of my life (high school) trying to adjust and make friends. I have a few of them with whom i still talk and ramble random stuffs of life. Sometimes we used to meet up under this one tree at Delhi School of Economics and smoke a joint ... stare vacantly at the endless grey building in front of us before we realized it was nightfall and time to go to bed! I would not have had that experience had i stayed home!

But now that i have come home after a decade long stay-away, home does not feel like home! it feels different, it feels random and unjust. It feels concrete and cold and sometimes Oh! so very very cold. Things don't go my way so i have stopped expecting them to too. I am getting used to the fact that because things do not go my way i have become used to the rampant threat that life brings now and then racing my heart more than ever! Things around me look random like they all are out of place, at one time and at the other everything seems normal and perfect and beautiful and it feels like it is just me who's not in shape to work out things around herself, who is that only one out of sync with the nature.

Your memories continue to haunt me

Photo courtesy: Kellie Elmore Blog

Day II 

Dear You!
As usual with my head down and hands in my pocket I walk, not knowing where I am going or where my destiny is. 

I again had a fight with myself. I am a twenty something girl, Lavender. And i am in love ... an unattainably real love!

I let him talk me into this once more. Why do i do it time and again?  Why? 

He promised me it would be worth my time and my fear. But that's what all of them say, don't they? 

Reality good or bad has its own set of limitations but imagination has none. Imagination is but a thought processed by randomness of life. They have no boundaries and limitation unlike reality. I wish you were a figment of my imagination rather than an intrinsic part of my sad-faced reality because I'd like to keep you forever in me.

Imaginations encompasses feeling of randomness and when pushed a little, they run like wild horses.

~Lavender Meadow~

A moment of infinity - #FWF

Quote from: Perks of being a wallflower

Life is but bundle of memories - some beautiful and some less beautiful. Memories are never sorrowful or less joyous phenomena. However, they can be pleasuring or dis-pleasuring depending on the present context of  remembrance. 

This is one such reminiscence of one such memory ... 

We stood facing the same direction - overlooking a majestic view of blue hills. I wanted the moment to last - forever. He slowly moved his hands caught hold of mine. I froze, I wanted him to engulf me completely in his warmth. He brushed his thumbs gently against mine. It was a tender gesture. A glimpse of hope, i reckoned. However his touch felt like a loose invisible thread binding his soul to mine uncertain of when it might break leaving us stranded of each others company. He then took both my hands and cupped them into his, making me turn to face him. Probably this meant nothing to him but for me it was enough to write volumes on his touch. I slowly looked up and gazed right into his eyes which were already gazing at mine and he then beamed a smile.
It was his touch ... just A touch!

And in that moment i swear, we were infinite.

My love for you ...

Day I 

Dear you! 

Life is but a bundle of choices for me. It is a journey inward. It is a voyage towards the end of light via the darkest tunnel possible. Life is a never ending endeavor filled with a slight sense of happiness but a lot of remorse and  sorrow. Life is like a flower blooming in the garden - fresh and beautiful until the moment a bee sucks all the nectar away leaving nothing but a hollow sense of self-loss. Would it not be beautiful to live in a self created figment of imaginary world, a world far reach from the stringent reality? 

If only my love was a light year i would show you the universe inside of me I made especially for you. A universe created from figment of my imagination where you and i live till the ends of time. A universe where all parallel universes co-exists with you and me only! 

If only our imagination had the power to build what we dream. If only my imagination had the power to envelop mine and your universe collectively and frame a self-defining perfect 'us' in it. 

If only ... 

~Lavender Meadow~

Stop intellectual masturbation India: time to take action!

"Somewhere the fear of justice, of the system, of our morals and our upbringing has given rise to a freedom that perpetrates such crimes !! An intolerance has set in ! And unless we move fast and sure footedly to rectify this, there can be no correction. Let every Indian become a vigilante, a soldier, a commander that shall fight such heinous crimes with strength and conviction ." -Amitabh Bacchan

I woke up to the saddest news ever. Yet another Rape story. This is disturbing.A woman was raped in a moving bus at New Delhi, India. India, known as the biggest democracy in the world is also one of the worst. I stayed in India for more than half a decade and not a day went by when i was not eve teased. If this time Delhi sleeps, i am afraid, it will never wake up again. There will a complete silence only to be enveloped by the loud thud of failing laws. Shame on You, Delhi and Delhites! What Pride do you carry in roaming around in super bikes and car and wearing Gucci and Armani when you have lost every ounce of humanity …. if this time you all don’t stand up, things will never be the same for Women. If I was there I would and I have stood up in the past!

We, since kids are asked not to question the patriarchal rules. We as a kid are punished if we even try to test the boundaries of those stringent patriarchal rules. We are taught to smile and not laugh, we are taught to sit cross legged and not wide open. Why? Because laughing and sitting with legs open is inviting! That’s what we were taught. We were chained. Our souls were chained. The rapist needs to be castrated for shoving a rod up the girl’s vagina leaving her unconscious. He needs to feel the pain. Death sentence is an easy option. Even before you realize, you are dead, you have had already stop breathing.

The question is not about Capital punishment or No Capital punishment…. The issue is greater than that. Its about the ideology & a state of mind. Men in our societies are not condemned for treating women inappropriately – from passing sleazy comments on the road, to beating their wives, female feticide, honor killings to rape! These maybe hideous crimes but for most of Indians it is an act of permissible behavior. In India, the society doesn’t question the Bastards who raped the woman, but Questions the girl as to why she was out in the night. It is she who has to explain herself for being a victim and inviting her misfortune. India needs to change from within their structure. Even to reach normal standards of civility….. And for monsters like that, castration should become the stepping stone of trial procedures!

Here is an excerpt from one of the media spokesperson from NDTV. This is the Story as told by the media. This is what the melting pot of culture capital is. This is not the first time, or the second. This has been happening and will continue to happen for ages to come if the government of India does not take right action at the right time.

“The bus driver Ram Singh went out with his 6 friends. They were all Biharis (People from the State of Bihar in India). The girl and the guy were called by the driver and were given proper tickets ( the bus was a school bus with black curtains .. Not permitted for transport use ) The girl was 23 a very good student and wanted to reach Dwarka Mord.
After they got in , the guys (The Driver and his Friends) hit a rod on the guys’s head and threw him out , then raped the girl one by one in the bus which was moving continuously in the posh areas of New Delhi (The Capital of India) and NCR.
After raping her time and again, one of them inserted a very long rod in her vagina which almost killed her and threw her out and ran away.
She was lying in the middle of the rod hurt and nude.. Not even single person helped her or covered her for an hour.When police came in no one helped them pick her up. They were just not interested at all.
The girl’s vagina + small and large intestine is totally damaged and she cannot live a married or normal life. Doctor said ” main bayan nahi kar sakta ki ussne kya kya zheela hai … Bolte hue muzhe dard hota hai “. Translation: “I cannot even go about mentioning what she has been though … Just to talk about it, i feel her pain!” Doctor!
She has gone in coma for the 5th times from 16th dec. She is unconscious , critical and cannot stop crying. Her ribs are damaged as well.”

Her only fault was she got into a wrong bus …. Delhi wake up!

First post

 

 

And sometimes after i wake up, i wish i could  hug my pillow and go back to where i came from for in dreams like Murakami puts it, "there are no boundaries. Reality is harsh. Reality bites..."

This is my first post in this blog. I have no such adamant intentions in mind in opening this blog. I have a blog in wordpress too. But that blog now lacks privacy. Something just cannot be wrote there, i fear judgement. 

I am a constant thinker. My demons in my head though quiet are never really silenced. They spring up in the oddest of hours and in most bizarre of situations. I am not sure if i want them to be quiet for that gives me a push to write! 

I am no super woman. I am just a twenty something girl hanging in life with all the chaos surrounding her. I am just a girl who wants life to make sense. I am just a girl who wants to never stop dreaming  .... I am just someone like you. Come and share your hopes and aspiration, your uphill climb and your down fall with me, and i will do the same. 

I look forward to writing innumerable posts in here. I will be writing on just about everything, anything that constitutes a heartbeat. I also look forward to reading all your posts. 

Keep reading. Keep writing. Never stop dreaming 

~^~Lavender Meadow