You are a beatuful dream, forbidden to me ...

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Quote: Lavender Meadow (cascadingveilofdarknes.blogspot.com)

Day IV

Dear you!

I spent the whole of last night twisting and twirling in agony and grieving in your memory- some made by 'Us' and some a mental construct of mine in a hope to provide some solace to my rambling heart and bleeding eyes. Your memory has caused a hole in my heart and now that my feelings so momentous and grave, have abandoned me, I feel vulnerable to a fall from a touch of a feather. I remember you once told me that "People only believe what they WANT to believe." Your words are the only medium from wherein I connect to sanity. You are the only prudent thought in my otherwise unruly life. You complete me. 

 

I am searching for the perfect word to reveal my heart's anguished desire to claim you as mine for times to come and beyond. The feeling of my bursting heart has got my thoughts and I muddled that I have trouble embellishing 'I Love You' to anyone else, let alone a new lover-yet-to-come in my life. And because it is so hard for me to covey my heart-felt desires to you and that there is no other way to do it , I find it ecstatic  that my written words are an empowering way to speak my heart's rambles and my eyes' bleeding tears.

~Lavender Meadow~

Learning to Exist without you ...

Photo courtesy: weheartit(dot)com
You were my light when I was too blind to see the darkness ....

Day III
Dear You!
This particular post is from the last 'so-called' breakup we had during the day following my birthday. It still resonates a lot now, especially now, that i know we can't be together for a force greater than us is pulling our world apart and we are but mere collateral damage in the fight.
 

The meanings are meaningless. The truth hides behind the lies. The life leads itself on a lie. Life flies away in a blink of an eye. It's amazing how a blink of an eye can get us blind! There is this subtle and dull but an everlasting feeling of hollowness inside of me. Despite being surrounded by a thousand beautiful souls everyday, my heart still has the autonomy to feel lonely. There are times when i feel that what I did was a wrong step to take. At other times I wish I did not have to do what I had to do. I deeply wish at times, that there were ways to undo the done and to do the undone. I wish I could as easily move on as you think I do by forcing myself to believe on 'let bygone be gone'. But life is not that easy. Life is not easy at all. It is not all bed of blossoms or differentiated as Black or White. It is rather in the hues produced from the mixture of Black and White. It's all Grey, different shades of Grey. Life is a uphill battle between You and the rocks you encounter while stalling towards your destiny.

For now, i wish i was Clementine and I wish my life was 'Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind'. I wish i could delete what i had. I wish in the process of deleting what i had, i could delete my existence from you, from this world and from myself.

~Lavender Meadow~

If only my life had a direction ...

Photo courtesy: Kellie Elmore blog.
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Sometimes i get this insane craving to cut loose from who i am now and let my spirit fly high. For the moment all that my wild heart is rambling and craving wants to sit underneath the shower, hold my knees and cry until my eyes bleed out! I want to get drunk and escape to the world that i know only exists sometimes in the figment of my imagination. I want to break free. At home i feel under scrutiny all the time. Well, i know this i terrible but if i was not sent to hostel, i might have been a more homely and a more co-operative child. But, they chose to send me always and sometimes with so much rage building in me, i end up screaming thundering the whole house with the agony i feel inside of me! Its not that i am unhappy they chose to send me to Hostel, i am glad they did. Because to an extent i know i survived the most difficult phase of my life (high school) trying to adjust and make friends. I have a few of them with whom i still talk and ramble random stuffs of life. Sometimes we used to meet up under this one tree at Delhi School of Economics and smoke a joint ... stare vacantly at the endless grey building in front of us before we realized it was nightfall and time to go to bed! I would not have had that experience had i stayed home!

But now that i have come home after a decade long stay-away, home does not feel like home! it feels different, it feels random and unjust. It feels concrete and cold and sometimes Oh! so very very cold. Things don't go my way so i have stopped expecting them to too. I am getting used to the fact that because things do not go my way i have become used to the rampant threat that life brings now and then racing my heart more than ever! Things around me look random like they all are out of place, at one time and at the other everything seems normal and perfect and beautiful and it feels like it is just me who's not in shape to work out things around herself, who is that only one out of sync with the nature.